08-22-06: Our Greatest Fear

To all the people I care about…

…You all have made my life so wonderful…

It’s time you realiae how valuable you are

…to me…to yourselves…and to this world

…

Our Greatest Fear

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Nelson Mandela, 1994 Inaugural Speech

“

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

And, as we let our own light shine,
we consciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

”

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…come on,

Who are you not to be ?

05-08...06-30-05: Follow the Screen Names II

finally, I contacted some professors (for the readers’ sake, I’ll keep the conversations to myself, it’s such a long story :P)

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the day before my meeting with Dr.Rubino, I was so stress out, I had 6-7 meals hoping the food would calm me down…it’s work though :P

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it turned out to be quite good beginning to me…there’re 3-4 projects available and all of them were fascinating !

there’s one with biodegradable pot, but since I have to get back to teach Food Technology, I don’t think it’s the project for me…another one was something about packaging system design for canola oil, it’s just didn’t feel right to me

so it came down to 2 projects, the one with active packaging system design for poultry meat and another one with co-permeation of organic compounds

the co-permeation thing was, for me, interesting – since nobody has done it before, and it will be easy to deal with, ‘coz there’s only permeation, solubility and diffusion stuff…that will require only a short period of time to get all these done

the poultry packaging one…well, let’s see what I need to do if I chose it:

Antimicrobial test of ClO2 gas on 5-6 pathogenic bacteria…I’ll need to be train to deal with pathogen (even though I have dealt with them both in BS and MS…it’s the US, people !) and have to pass the training to receive the certificate…, then the work can start :(

permeation, solubility and diffusion and other stuff of 3 types of packaging materials

packaging design…I’ll get the honor of using the newest software in packaging design…and, of course, I’ll need to be trained to use it

Shelf-life determination which include sensory evaluation (It’ll need to be approved from the ethic committee which require extensive paper work) and other stuff involve instrumental testing…and training

Biodegradability of the package after used

…

…it’s no comparable…., but if you want to do something, why do it the easy way ?

…

after all, packaging design, active packaging, biodegradable packaging, shelf-life determination…are things I wish I have a chance to learn

…now I can learn them all :)

…it will be tough…it will take such a long time…, but it will be fun :)

…

Like Elle character in Legally Blonde said in the last scene

On our very first day at Harvard a very wise professor quoted Aristotle... "the law is reason free from passion." Well...no offense to Aristotle, but in my three years at Harvard I have come to find that passion is a key ingredient to the study and practice of law...and of life. It is with passion, courage of conviction, and strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world. Remembering that first impressions are not always correct, you must always have faith in people, and most importantly...you must always have faith in yourself. Congratulations class of 2004...we did it!

…doing everything with passion seems to be the only way I want to live my life…

…

days after I told Dr.Rubino I was interested in working with her in poultry packaging project, I was assigned to help her writing proposal for fund application

…I got it done (at least for now) two days before my departure date…

it doesn’t matter how the application goes…I’m coming home :)

…

Holland

During those working time though, I had change my screen name several time…and they’re all worth talking about…

Giraffe-P: ...As hard as the secret is uncovered, …It’s even harder to keep...

I got it form the show name ‘The closer’…it is about the CIA interrogator name Brenda… http://alt.tnt.tv/tntoriginals/closer/ …the show is amazing, but non of my friends here seem to like it :P

I tried to spent my last couple days here the way I want…

at 3 pm, on the grass, under the tree, near Red Cedar river, in the heat of summer

yes…I wish I could lay on the grass all days…thinking about things in life

Ever since I told people here, I wish one day I’ll have a Pug dog name Cha-ba, Turk always try to find way to turn it into some kind of educational joke like changing his screen name to include the anagram (he’s crazy about ‘DaVinci Code’) like :

Evil knight hijack tulip – Packaging MSU = A Smacking Pug

that’s when I need to do something about it…

Giraffe-P: ...A Smacking Pug = Cha-ba, the dog of my dream...:)

Giraffe-P: … - A pug ?...Hey ! don't refer to Cha-ba as 'smacking'...she's the dog of my dream !

555…who say maturity comes with age ?…

My current screen name is:

Giraffe-P: …’Death is freedom, Life is a lesson’ – Jonny Kennedy - http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,7-1040286,00.html

It’s for Jonny Kennedy, I don’t know him, but I know a bit about how he lives his life…

…

Now I feel a bit sad, coming home means I have to leave here…and surely when I got back everything will not gonna be the same…people change all the time…I juts hope I still have my friends…

I’ll leave you with this post from someone in qaftalk.com …it’s sad, but it’s ture…

…Just because you say you love someone and you'll be back, doesn't mean you'll be back in the same capacity. It's like when a friend moves away you say you'll keep in touch that you'll see each other all the time. But deep down you know it's over and you're grasping at straws at that point. Saying what you think the other person wants to hear in that moment….

With Prang, Mod and P'Oh (Captured by Turk)

05-08...06-30-05: Follow the Screen Names I

Well…I’m not really sure where to start :P…it’s been quite a while I didn’t update my life…

…probably the most effective way is to tell the tale around my MSN screen name

My couple of first screen name I used during the passed month, if you can remember, have every thing to do with the word ‘ABARAT’…If I’m remember correctly they’re:

ABARAT: http://www.thebooksofabarat.com/content4/xbarat99.html, and

ABARAT: Days of Magic, Nights of War

ABARAT is the world that ‘where is when’…it has 25 islands, each island represents each time of day with the 25^th island as the 25^th hour…the time out of time…see how fascinating it is to be in Abarat ?…it’s one my favorite book…though only few people read it :)

The Abarat concept was sold to Disney. It’s expecting to be in the theater in year 2005-2006…

Anyway, both screen names demonstrated the fact that all I did during that time was reading the books I love…and did things I wish to do

In the heat of summer

Apart from reading Abarat book I and II, I finished preparing teaching material for P’Ae’s course, Post Harvest, it’s 78 pages long with more than 100 figures and graphs for demonstration…and almost finished the letter for each of my FT1 students I promised I’ll give to them months ago :P

Speaking of teaching, I feel excited and scare in the same time to go back to teach again…I hope it will be fun for me and the students…all I want is to give to them, the knowledge I waited for 7 years to learn …I wish for them to learn these in their BS, so they will know a lot more than me when I was 20…

But I remember how much I hate sitting in the room and listen to the teacher…that’s the scary part…not for me…all I want is to give…it’s sad if someone didn’t receive what they should get :( …well, we’ll see how it goes…

So I spent most of the time before noon and after 8 pm preparing the material and, almost every afternoon, sitting outside near the Red Cedar River with Turk --- trying to read Abarat book II…, but ending up talk about every thing in life with him instead.

…it turned out we have a lot in common…it’s good to know there’re somebody as weird as you living in this world hahaha :)

Prang was away during those time, but I’ve always kept her posted :)…

…

Then I think I changed my screen name to something like:

Giraffe-P: …Someday we’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you...

well, there’s nothing much…just like the song…it’s ‘Someday we’ll know’…

I first heard it when I saw A Walk to Remember…and I like it at once :)

It represented the time when I lived my life the way I want…, but there’re some other things in my mind too, like – applying for Michigan driving license and getting start on my thesis…

Have you ever felt like you have an urge to do something necessary, but don’t know how to start or even scare to get started, ‘coz you have no idea how it’s gonna turn out or you have no idea how you are gonna do it

I call it, hibernating time – the time we need before start something new, the time we need to overcome things we don’t recognize – and that makes it scary – to begin new phase in our life…

…I usually need 1-2 weeks before I feel confident enough to do something completely new to me, some people need a lot more time than that…and some need only 1-2 h to get ready to welcome new experiences

this time I stayed in this stage for almost a month !

…well, think about it, choosing Major supervisor meaning the potential PhD thesis topic – the field of science you will most likely to have to work with it for the rest of your life – how scary would that be ?

…but I have to tell you living with the doubt of how it will turn out is something more stressful…

…yet, I lived like that all May.

…

05-05+06+07-05: 1 Exam, 1 Convocation Ceremony, 1 hell of a Party and 1 Rotted Honeydew III

I went into Mod’s bedroom…she’s not there…I knocked on Prang’s room…no answer…was I a sole survivor ?...I quietly opened P’Kerk’s room…and I heard a very loud snore…Terk’s here…it’s not a resident evil after all :P

…I walked back to Mod’s room and felt asleep on her couch…

…around 11:30 am Prang woke me and Mod up and offered us couple of chocolate-chip waffles…we talked like we didn’t talk to each other for weeks…then around 1:30 pm we went to check on Turk.

He was watching ‘the Cell’…one of our favorite movies

I, Prang and Mod cleaned the room, while Turk occasionally went to the bathroom to…throw-up…

Around 2:30 pm…Turk decided to continue his after-drinking action at his place, so he went home…

I walked home around 3 pm…with shabby purple pants and black T-shirt (it’s Prang’s cloths…for bed)…blue sneakers…2,000 bahts handbag…2 books…and a big grocery plastic bag filled with my dress for yesterday’s convocation ceremony…it was my worst and funniest outfit ever !

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The first thing I did when I got to my room was taking a shower…, then I slept ‘til 8 pm…

…

When I was up, I started to clear the grocery I bought yesterday before went to P’Kerk’s apartment…

That’s when I saw the rotted honeydew on the top of my fridge…

Disgusting, I tried to move it to the garbage…by pulling the paper sheet beneath it…

That’s when I heard the sound of something filled with water exploded…and the honeydew (only its outer peel remained solid) filled with fluidized pulp and seeds…exploded.

...

The liquid with not-so-good smell poured down my huge fridge…to the floor and covered half of my kitchen floor…

...

...

I have no idea how much liquid can be filled in the sphere with the size of the rather-big honeydew…I know now

…so I spent my next 2 and a half hour to clean up this mess (and other 3 hr for the fridge to dry enough to turn it on)…I had to move the stove and the fridge off the corner to clean the back of the fridge and the floor beneath it…my nostril (and also my entire apartment) was filled with the smell of fermented and rotted honeydew liquid…

…

I went to bed around 2 am…with bad smell…

...

05-05+06+07-05: 1 Exam, 1 Convocation Ceremony, 1 hell of a Party and 1 Rotted Honeydew II

I woke up real early to wait for P’Oh’s phone call to tell me when and where she wants me, Prang, Mod and Turk to help with the moving.

11 am…and still no phone call from P’Oh…

the only thing I did during that time was talking to Turk via MSN…the man was in a very good mood (it’s his big day)…we started from he sending me pics which he took at PKG building yesterday (I asked for them ‘coz I wanted to make some memorable pics for him)…at the end of our 3 h picture transferring…I was quite sure he got most of the pics on my computer and vise versa…now he know what my students look like, how my mom dress when she cook and how chaos it is when we have a family party.

2:30 pm…and still no sign of P’Oh’s request for help…, so Prang told me to mind only my own business and get ready for convocation ceremony tonight

about 2:45 pm…P’Oh called and told me not to help even though she still has to move lots of big things and will take around 2-3 more driving from Owen Hall to Spartan village…though I got the silent message that she dying for me to tell her I’ll help her anyway…I said OK…I’m not gonna help.

I’ve been repeatedly asked P’Oh…when and how she’ll move out for weeks…and I called everyday for the last two days before her moving day and offered my help…even the morning of the moving day…and she said she still don’t have an exact plan…she told me she doesn’t think I need to be there to help her…, so I figured I’d better find something to eat and get dress ‘coz the ceremony start at 5 pm.

But I couldn’t help calling Turk and asked him to help P’Oh (he lives in Spartan village too…and his room was only 50 m from P’Oh’s)…that’s why he was almost an hour late from the photograph appointment at the ceremony :P

We got in the Breslin Center around 5:30 pm…and left Turk to continue his ceremony with his fellow MSc graduated student around 7 pm…I, Prang, Mod and P’Dung had dinner at P’Bim’s apartment

We waited for Turk ‘til 9:30 pm…and decided to go shopping at Meijer, then wait for him at P’Kerk’s apartment instead.

When we got to Meijer’s parking lot, Turk called and told us he’s just finished the ceremony and will join us after he had his quick dinner somewhere…alone…We told him to go straight to P’Kerk’s place ‘coz P’Bim brought food for him.

…

With his hungry face in mind, I, Mod and Prang did the quickest shopping in our life…we practically ran to every shelf and fridge our target items were in…

Imagine 3 very-well-dressed women running and shouting to pick up foods in grocery store :P…I totally understand if people thought we’re on drug or something close to that.

And I do think they thought so, ‘coz people were avoid to stand in our path every time we went to shelves and fridges for food items…:P

…

Turk was still in his gown when we arrived at P’Kerk’s place (Prang and Mod lived in the same floor with P’Kerk)

I was preparing food for Turk when others got change and pick-up alcohol stuff…he told me he was ‘broadcast’ his ceremony to his family in Thailand, so I asked him did that include the girl ‘M’…with his red cheeks, he smiled and told me we all have to get our priorities in place :)

…

We started the celebration around 11 pm…, after his first glass of something alcoholic, I lured Turk to did the fortune-telling thing…and both times the never-been-used playing card told us, his former girlfriend is probably in love with other guy…

…I felt like I’s partly responsible for Turk’s straight-from-dusk-til-dawn drinking…’coz after saw the card, the man was deeply engaged in his drinking ‘til 5 am.

:(

…

during that time, I had 1 small glass of lemon cocktail (as everybody who knows me know that I don’t drink, gamble and dance…this one alcoholic drink meant I was totally give in with everybody) and spent most of the time reading ‘ABARAT’ on the carpet floor and talking on the couch.

While P’Bim and P’Dung were half drinking, half talking to Turk.

Mod and Prang were talking with me and P’Bim and sometimes felt asleep.

…

around 4 am, I, Prang and Mod went out for a walk around the apartment…the weather was so fresh…the moist from fog and chilling wind reminded me of the time I laid down on the road in the national park with my undergrad friends in the middle of the night and the time I walked or drove home with Off and others…It was a great feeling…

…

when we were back, Turk started to throw-up…and it continued ‘til I, Prang and Mod went to bed around 8 am…

…I woke up on the carpet floor in Mod’s room…nobody’s there…the room was empty and quiet…I felt like I was in ‘Resident evil’ movie :P…

05-05+06+07-05: 1 Exam, 1 Convocation Ceremony, 1 hell of a Party and 1 Rotted Honeydew I

The last PKG 815 exam was on Thursday from 10 am to noon…, but I got bored and left the room 30 min before the deadline…don’t get me wrong…it’s not ‘coz I’m sure I’ll get a full mark or anything…but it’s nothing else I could do…

Let’s see…there’s 3 2-page-long calculations and other 4 half-to-two-page-long writing questions…I’m sure I got 2 calculations and 2 writing correct…for the other 2 writing, I knew I got some part right…, but not sure I will get full mark…for another calculation question…I’m sure I got all the calculation methods correct…, but not sure I got the correct answer…’coz there’s one key word I didn’t recognize what it is…it’s the activation energy value with the unit of ‘deg-mole’

What in the name of god is ‘deg-mole’ ?

I stared at the word for 10 mins, then decided that no matter what it is I’ll treat it as ‘mole’…and proceed with the correct calculation methods…, so I’ll get full mark on the correct method…and hopefully almost-full-mark on the probably-not-a-correct answer :P

And ‘til now I still don’t know for sure what ‘deg-mole’ is…the scientific dictionary said that it’s the abbreviation of ‘degree’…, if that’s the case…deg-mole can be simplify as just ‘mole’…so why on earth did Dr.Rubino put it in the unit in the first place ?...I sensed the possibility of stupidity testing from her…probably just to trick us…if so,…she totally got me :)

…

Heck,…since I got 98 and 100 for the first two exam…and 99, 98 and 98 for the first 3 reports (not sure what I got for the forth and the term paper and the presentation though), I figured being 5-10 marks shy from a hundred (which will be divide by 5 to give 20 marks in final grading) will still be an A for me…plus it’s rare occasion to loose some point on my stupidity…I walked out off the room with just a little hesitation.

…

then I, Turk and Prang met with Mod for lunch at Omi restaurant, my…or better say…I and Turk’s favorite place.

Then we went back to PKG building for Turk to take picture with PKG people

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From left to right: P'Kate, me, Turk and Prang

…

The next day, May 6^th, was Turk’s convocation ceremony…and also P’Oh’s moving day

05-02-05: …with Turk

I’m not at all surprise…that one day this guy will be used as my topic

The thing I’m surprise is what the topic is about…

…

It’s Monday, May 2^nd…and we (= P’Oh, Turk, Prang and I) had only Tuesday and Wednesday to prepare for the last PKG 815 exam. Yet we went to PKG building to hand Dr.Rubino our Term project report…mine was 4 pages of results and discussion with 28 pages of appendix only on calculations.

Around 11 something we want to International building for lunch…and, as usual, (long) talk.

It began with general topic…then getting specific, by P’Oh, on Turk’s former girlfriend…which I and Prang were dying to know…

I don’t know what got to him, ‘coz after 4 months of repeated asked questions from me and Prang…and he didn’t answer a thing…that day he told us all about this former girlfriend of his…which I think it’s best to call her just ‘M’.

If you knew someone for awhile, you’ll know who are important to them by the way they’re talking about or referring to those people.

And when I saw his face when he talked about this M…I know the man is in love…’coz when he’s with me or Prang…he’s always act like a boy…, this was the first time I saw him as a man…and it was touching somehow…to see someone love their special person deeply…

After 4-5 h of ‘Exclusive with Turk’, I, Turk and Prang went to Omi restaurant, Japanese restaurant, for a dinner…we ate and talked ‘til 8 pm…

Omi Restaurant

I and Prang still don’t believe how much Turk opened up to us that day…

For me, I still don’t believe how much Turk’s changed during just 4 months that I know him giving that, according to Prang, he’s never been like this since she knew him 2 years ago.

…

guess that’s why I’m growing to love this boy…’coz beneath those sarcastic and ironic talks is a very care and loving person…to his friends and his love ones.

04-30-05: Someday We'll Know...

…

Someday we'll know…If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know…Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know…Why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis ?
Or what the wind says when she cries ?
I'm speeding by the plae that I met you for the 97th time.... tonight

Someday we'll know…Why Sampson loved Deliah
One day I'll go dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know…That I was the one for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question

Why aren't you here with me.......tonight

…

I feel kindda strange these days

It’s a combination of the feeling that something good is about to happen…and the doubt about what exactly is going to happen…

…

though I got tons of works to do…reports, home-works and exams

every time I look up toward the bright sky through the freshly-green leaves…I smile

every time I heard stupid joke from PKG people…I laugh real loud

…

well…there’re lots of happy moment for me these days

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partly because it’s spring

partly because my first semester is about to end…I’m not really care how it’s gonna end…all I care is it’s almost over !

partly because…I don’t know…

everything’s great !

…

yesterday there’re lots of things happen

First, I handed the last report for PKG815…I’m done for the lab report (still have a project report though)

Second, Turk has his defense…without any surprise, he passed…and I have got to say…apart from his what-are-you-thinking haircut…he looked a lot better in a gray suit

Third, I, Prang, Turk and P’Kerk went to a farewell barbecue party for exchange students in accounting (4 girls…and one of them seems to catch Turk’s eyes :P)

We had such a great time :)

After finished the meat, we moved to fry marshmallow…it was so good

…

the time when we gathered to fry marshmallow in a quite cold and dark backyard of P’Tul and P’LukNok’s house …reminded me of the time I spent with my undergrad friends at Ann’s get-away house.

I never thought I’ll have a chance to go this far…far beyond what I’ve ever wanted…and far from home

…

I still couldn’t figure out why I feel this way these days

But I think it’s important for you to know…that I still here…feeling great

…and no matter how I feel, where I go or who I’m with…I'm still thinking of you…

…

Someday we'll know…If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know…Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know...Why I wasn't meant for you

…

Someday we’ll know…

...

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In case you are wondering...how we are doing...

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we are doing great !...thanks :)

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04-07-05: A confession of a confused mind

OK…I’m a bit confused about my ability to recognize myself…

…

let starts back on March 31^st, PKG815 2^nd exam…

I somehow felt like I’m not ready to take the exam…I felt like I didn’t have any knowledge to put in the exam paper…and really wanna kick myself ‘coz I wasted too much time on watching the shows and enjoy eating foods during the last week before the exam…besides on the night before the exam…I got a nerve, so all I did was watching tv all night…I just started reading seriously around 11 pm…and went to be around 2 am

…

this time there’re only 4 question (plus 2-3 sub-questions each), 2 calculating questions and other 2 were review questions.

The calculating questions were a nightmare…’coz all graphs and data were provided when we did the exercise, so when I saw both questions…it took me 5 min to realize and assure myself that I need to plot 2 graphs to be able to answer the questions !...and please note that it’s not the easy digit like 10,000…it’s 12,873…5694…etc. :(

I finished the first 2 questions as fast as I could…and didn’t have time to re-check any answers.

The review questions were the end of the world…since this course is one of the first 2 courses I took in my FIRST semester here…and that didn’t include the knowledge of injection blow molding, stretch blow molding, biaxial-orientation or un-balanced orientation and also their effects of the properties of the amorphous phase above and below Tg temperature (I’m sorry if all these words scare you :P)…, so when the question ask for the analysis of the effect of these scary words on permeability, diffusion and sorption…I freaked…

I turned pages and pages of reading material back and forth…and finally assume that something involved injection surely had something to do with heat (thanks to Food Processing I :) ) and that had to be related to oriented-melt…now, something that was stretched would probably don’t need heat…so that meant it’s cold draw…and the rest of the exam was as chaotic as I told you.

…

I was the third person to finish the exam…, of course, after Turk :)

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During the walk back to PKG building and the lunch at international center, we compared the answer…I had the feeling I used the wrong sets of equations for question 1 and 2…and I answered question 3 without any knowledge of the thing they asked…for the 4^th question, I felt pretty good…, so I told Prang that I expect only 80-90 (from 100) for this exam…and she said I’ll get higher than 90, so we made a bet that if I got mark higher than 92 she will have the right to slap me as hard as she want to…and vice versa

…I was really confident that I’ll not be the one who will be attacked…

…

today, when I walked into the room, I saw the graph showed all students’ mark…and when the class began, Dr.Rubino gave each of us our exam-paper…

the typical way to gave back the paper which has mark on it to the student was to roll them into cylinder shape with the given mark inside…

P’Oh was the first Thai student to get the paper…she got only 70…I turned to look at Prang and told her that I couldn’t breath properly…she said her heart was about to stop…

Turk was next, and once I saw his usual superior smile…I knew that he got full mark…no surprise for Mr.Perfect…the man’s the real deal :)

Dr.Rubino handed Prang’s paper and then mine…I felt a bit clumsy and dizzy when I stretch the paper to look at the mark…, so I was really surprise when Prang started hitting me with her rolled exam paper…

…

well…

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2nd Exam

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I don’t know what to say…

…

I felt like I can’t recognize my own ability…but come to think of it…it may not has anything to do with me…it was probably the lack of ability of Dr.Rubino to check whether the answer was given by the student who truly understand the topic or just lucky to get it right …

I felt uneasy…giving that I and Turk are the only two who got perfect 100…, but I have no idea how I got it, while Turk know exactly what to answer…and he know more beyond than the answer he gave.

…

anyway…let me assure you this…please not be intimidated by the person who got high mark or academic honor…the true genius one will need more than that to be recognized…and, believe me, you’ll know when you’ve met one :)